sábado, 21 de septiembre de 2013

NAM: Rage

I don't know if it is because of this fasting or other factors, but the past 2 nights I have encountered a high amount of rage bubbling inside of me. Yesterday, my roommate told me about a story where he lied to get his parking ticket removed. Seems simple enough, sure you shouldn't lie, but it shouldn't be that big of a deal. But when I was making my Spanish rice from scratch later on, I was on the verge of getting in a fight with my food as I was preparing it. I was just so angry. I kept asking, how could he? doesn't he know how bad lying is? it's effects on reality? how can my best friend be such a proud liar?

Then today, I accidentally got dragged to one of the most artful places you can go: a bar. I played pool with an architecture friend at the student center, it was cool a nice night. Then afterwards, he says we should go to a bar, I am thinking ok, cool, it will be a place where we can sit and have a drink (non-alcoholic for me of course) and talk about architecture and just life in general. But the place we went was terrible. I actually ran into some old track buddies and they were drinking and all that garbage, and the place was really crowded. the worst part about being in a crowded place like that is the noise. It is so hard to have a conversation of any substance with anyone. I actually saw a lot of people I knew to my surprise and all my conversations read like a form I was filling out. How are you? Check. What are you doing school/work? Check. I am working on the new cinema they are building downtown. Check. Awkward silence. Check. Well, nice seeing you! Check. I ran out of that place (figuratively). I really hope I never go to a bar again, I have already swore off clubs.

Walking out of there I was so mad. For a long time I used to get mad about why I couldn't understand why people go to places to drink and forget their lives. Now, I get mad that I know the reasons and cannot figure out why people do not stop and better themselves. I try not to be so judgmental, but I really see it that way. I can see why it is easier to forget your problems in a bottle of alcohol than to try and reason with them and solve them, but I can't understand why there isn't the innate drive to say no to the easy way out and charge through your problems. This no art thing I feel has made me so uppity and critical. I feel like I think I am better than everyone. I cry out in my head, why can't I find any quality people?!?! Then I tell myself, you know everyone is beautiful, Hasheem. Then I get upset that I cannot see/agree with their essence.

You are the only you. The only thing you can grasp is you, and by you I mean your existence. /i had a thought yesterday that perhaps you are the entire universe. As far as you can comprehend, is as far as exists. If you don't know something, it isn't to be known. Unknown unknowns aren't. So, at the same time that you are a speck in the entire mix of things, you are everything!.....perhaps.